Daniel Oliver

An Interview At The Office Of Diversity Assessment

If he’d studied Latin in school he might have used “Latini,” and obviated the scrunching business.

I recently visited the director of the Office of Diversity Assessment for The Office of Presidential Personnel. His office is housed in the all-glass Facebook-Amazon-Google building conveniently located in downtown Washington on BLM Plaza across from the Che Guevara Memorial Headquarters, now housing the Committee to Re-Elect the President.

The director, sporting a blue necktie with a redundant “Lux et Veritas” embossed on it, explained the difficulty of selecting an appropriately diverse group of people for the very visible jobs in the Biden administration.

“Take blacks,” he said. “It’s not enough that they be black; they have to look black,” he said as if he’d just solved Fermat’s last theorem. “Of course some will be on television, but some will only be seen speaking at large gatherings. People in the back have to be able to tell our guys are black. And that goes for all our diversity picks.”

“Uh huh,” I nodded noncommittally.

“And Latinos,” he said — pausing, and then adding, “I guess I should say ‘Latinx’ with an ‘x’ at the end [he scrunched up his face], but I’m not sure how to pronounce it — they’re particularly difficult. They have to be Latin [cop out!], of course, but they also have to look Latino [male pig!] — and not just at fancy restaurants, but on television. So skin color is as important as profile and other facial features.” (If he’d studied Latin in school he might have used “Latini,” and obviated the scrunching business.)

He was all technical and proud of it — I thought he should have been wearing a white coat like the Spectre scientists in a Bond movie.

“We have a special light meter [in my mind I heard, “Ve haf a shpecial meeta …”] that measures their complexion. Take the fellow we selected yesterday. He looks exactly like Pancho Sanza.”

Just how do you look exactly like a fictional character? He was on a roll, so I was reluctant to interrupt him. But I did.

“You mean Sancho Panza,” I said. (I was an English major.)

He paused, then flashed me the W sign, and a smile.

“And for a high position at Interior,” he continued, “we have a genuine Indian. Now I know what you’re thinking: ‘Dot or feather?’ Well, it’s feather — one hundred percent money-back guaranteed feather. And she comes with the best reference in the Democratic Party: Elizabeth Warren herself.”

I couldn’t fail to be impressed — though the first image that came to mind was that one of Warren in her kitchen: “Hold on a sec. I’m gonna get me, um, a beer.” Was the beer a Dos Equis? Is Warren an Indian-Latina? Or is it Latina-Indian? In a Joey Biden administration, it’s important to get those details straight.

“The gender thing is difficult,” he continued. “I mean, how do you look queer on television? Not to mention the rest of it: the whole LGBTQ+ menagerie. You can’t exactly do things on camera, if you know what I mean.” I worried how high they’d string him up when they discovered he’d gotten the initials wrong.

And “menagerie?” Whew! For his sake I hoped the NSA boys (and girls, and even the ones who aren’t sure) were at lunch or still out trying to link Donald Trump or Tucker Carlson to Vladimir Putin. And he said it with a schoolboy’s smirk that made me feel uncomfortably like part of the family.

“Uh huh,” was all I could get out quickly. Then I added, “You’re right: that’s tough. You must be very sophisticated to handle this job.”

“Well” — he preened just a bit — “my mother identifies as a man now, which is totally okay because . . . my father identifies as a woman!” I could feel the exclamation point. “And my sister and brother are both nones — I don’t mean they have no religious beliefs (though of course they don’t). I mean they don’t identify with any sex.”

I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. “Of course” seemed a bit complicit. And “no” might have seemed judgmental. So I fell back on “Uh huh.”

“What do your siblings do?” I sought to change the subject.

“You won’t believe it,” he replied.

He was wrong. I’d believe anything.

“They both teach third grade.”

I did believe it. “Where?” I asked, wondering how much it would cost to move.

“California.”

“In a parochial school?” I asked, really as just a tease, but regretting it immediately.

He looked at me quizzically. “I didn’t know there were any parochial schools in California.”

“You’re probably right,” I said, feeling a tsunami of relief. I didn’t want him to look into it. Who can tell what a Joey Biden administration would do to them? Hunter might sell them to a Ukrainian energy company.

“Well,” I said as I got up to leave, “you sure have done an impressive job.”

“Yes,” he replied. “But of course there’s one problem.”

“Oh?” I said. “What’s that?”

“There won’t be a single high-ranking official on duty the third weekend in November.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “They’ll all be in the McKinsey box at the Yale-Harvard game. Boola boola, I say.”

Embarrassing pause.

I flashed him the “V” sign, and managed to get out a “boola boola” of my own as knowingly as I could, and sauntered out, trying to look suave.

Boola boola? It sounded great — but what the Hell does it mean? I went to a Christian college in Ohio.

Published:

July 21, 2021
The Daily Caller

Saving Senator Whitehouse

The senator from Rhode Island should be chastised for belonging to the party of racism; not for belonging to a couple of elite, expensive, social clubs.

Senator Sheldon Whitehouse (D–R.I.) has been caught belonging to an all-white beach club in Newport, Rhode Island, though technically it’s his wife who belongs to Bailey’s Beach Club, not the senator, since he transferred his membership to her. There may be eminently defensible reasons for that transfer (e.g., to avoid the high death taxes so loved by Democrats), but it looks fishy. The senator also belongs to the all-white Ida Lewis Yacht Club in Newport.

Who cares?!

The members of the right-wing press apparently do, and they have gathered triumphantly to have a summer hootenanny at the senator’s expense.

When confronted with the gory details, Senator Whitehouse explained that such social clubs are “a long tradition in Rhode Island and there are many of them, and we just need to work our way through the issue. Thank you.” Thank you for what wasn’t clear. But the senator was verrrry polite, as you would expect a former member of Bailey’s Beach and the Ida Lewis Yacht Club to be.

Senator Whitehouse looks like a hypocrite, and his opponents intend to enjoy themselves hugely at his expense—and you can’t blame them.

But Senator Whitehouse is correct: it is a long tradition in Rhode Island towns for such clubs to be all white, and not just in Rhode Island but probably in every state and town where there are old families and posh clubs that only the rich can afford to belong to, and have belonged to for decades—and where there are few black residents.

A glance at Newport real estate prices is illuminating: look for “mansions for sale” and you’ll find them, starting at $35 million—for a summer house. At the moment there are only 48 listed. It’s a thin market.

The people who buy those kinds of houses are the kind of people who belong to Bailey’s Beach and the Ida Lewis Yacht Club.

Well, actually, that’s the way it used to be: now probably only the nouveau buy those houses—you know, the kind of people who have to buy their silver. The old rich have moved to less ostentatious cottages. But they’ve been in Newport for years, generations, actually: Senator Whitehouse’s grandfather was commodore of the Ida Lewis Yacht Club from 1937 to 1940. It’s a very small, very well-heeled social set.

A club can be all-white for two reasons: either blacks are kept out or no blacks have sought to get in.

How many blacks would you expect to find among the posh Newport set? If you answered “none,” then you shouldn’t be surprised that Senator Whitehouse’s clubs have no black members.

If you answered “some,” please tell us how many ultra-successful blacks have been spending their summers in Newport for the last, oh, decade or so? And tell us how many successful blacks you would expect to start going to Newport for the summer, and why. He (or she) could not realistically expect to join any of those clubs the first summer (or perhaps the first generation) that they were there—even if they were white.

Should Senator Whitehouse be deprived of belonging to clubs he and his family have belonged to for decades just because no blacks are members? Of course not.

Senator Whitehouse was correct when he said, “We just need to work our way through the issue,” though he probably doesn’t understand why he is correct.

“The issue” is that blacks (69 percent of whom born today are illegitimate—and illegitimate with the blessing of the Democratic Party) tend to be poorer and less educated than whites. The net worth of a typical black family is about one tenth that of a white family. Non-rich, less-educated people, whether they’re black or white, don’t belong to fancy clubs: they never have and they never will.

Senator Whitehouse’s real failing (like many rich liberal Democrats, he lives in all-white enclaves but is quick to blame others for being racists) is that he supports policies that keep blacks from rising: minimum wage, rampant immigration, and kowtowing to the politically powerful teachers’ unions, which oppose school vouchers and privatized education (e.g., charter schools), the only hope black children have of escaping from the Democrats’ ghastly public school plantation.

But Democrats are worried. Most blacks have no interest in defunding the police (who will protect them if not the police?). And Donald Trump got way more black votes in the last election than he “should” have. Desperate times call for desperate measures, which is why the Democrats (maliciously and perhaps suicidally) are at war against both blacks and whites. Democrats are all about race and power: they bang the race drum to divide America so they can amass power.

So, yes, we need to “work our way through the issue,” but not by accepting critical race theory or the New York Times’ “1619 Project” version of American history (all slavery all the time), which even Democrat wokeies are probably not stupid enough to believe, but which divide—by design—Americans on the basis of race. Those projects will, also by design, keep blacks down on the plantation for the next decade, or century—and off Bailey’s Beach and out of the Ida Lewis Yacht Club as well.

That’s what Senator Whitehouse should be chastised for: belonging to what is essentially a party of racism (his party’s heritage) at war against Americans, blacks, whites, and everyone else; not for belonging to a couple of elite, expensive, social clubs that few people have ever heard of and even fewer people care about.

Full disclosure: I know Senator Whitehouse, and members of my family have known members of his family for four generations.

Published:

June 29, 2021
American Greatness